"The beginning of hardship is like the first taste of bitter food--it seems for a moment unbearable; yet, if there is nothing else to satisfy our hunger, we take another bite and find it possible to go on."

I heard this quote today and I feel like it perfectly describes so many experiences in my life, but I feel it is especially describes the experience we are having with Tyler right now. I always knew that burns were painful. Especially third degree burns and the cleaning and scrubbing that go along with healing them. And the grafting and physical therapy, and so on. But I really had no idea the kind of pain it involved until last week. Now I know because I inflict it on Tyler ever day.



Once a day, I spend about 15 minutes getting new dressing and different creams ready and then I run a bath. Tyler used to LOVE the bath. It was by far his favorite thing to do. Now when he hears the water running, he runs and screams and does everything in his power to get away from me. But, I always win and I drag him kicking and screaming into the bathroom. Once in there, I undress him and very slowly cut his coban off. This is when the real screaming starts. I then put him in the tub and put his little hand under water before I slowly try taking the adaptic off. Once his hand is exposed, I have to clean it and scrub all the dead skin off. I can't even describe what happens when I do this. The screaming that I thought couldn't get any worse, does just that and his whole body shakes uncontrollably. When I'm done cleaning it, I rinse it gently under the faucet and then I get him out. And then I cry with him. Every single day. By the time we're done, the water is no longer clear, but tinted red. After the bath, I have to pat it dry and then put new pieces of adaptic on each finger and then wrap them individually and then put adaptic on his palm and wrap the rest of his hand up. After this, he usually cries for another 10-15 minutes before he passes out in my arms. We time the bandage changes so that both of his pain meds are in full effect, but it seems to have little affect on his overall pain level. But, I wouldn't want to try it without the pain meds. I can't even begin to imagine.



Everyday when I start cleaning his wound, I hesitate and think that I can't do it. I can't hurt him one more time. But then I realize that there is no alternative and I take a deep breath and do what needs to be done. It kills me a little everytime, but I keep eating the bitter food because it's all I have. And then all of the sudden, it's done for the day and we have both survived. The first bandage change I did on my own was at my sister-in-laws house and I kept saying "I can't do this. I really can't do this." And she reminded that I could do it. I can do hard things. Hard things are, unfortunately, a very necassary part of life.



My sweet baby boy-I am so, so sorry that you are going through this very painful time in your life. I would give anything to trade places with you. Please remember that I love you and I'm praying for you, along with many other people. We have to go to Utah tomorrow and the next few weeks are going to be very painful, much more than the last two have been. But you are strong and soon this will all be behind you. I love you more than life itself and I hope that someday you'll learn to trust me again.-Mom